Nic Cage watches The Wicker Man

The Rewatch Begins

Hey, folks - Zach here. As one half of The Top Pop Stop, I'll be keeping you posted over Christmas break with the long-promised LOST Rewatch. It's all happening over at http://forthe815thtime.blogspot.com/.

No, I haven't actually watched the show 815 times, but it sure feels like it. Make sure you're checking that site regularly; I'll post here with links after I finish every season just in case you need a reminder. I'm shooting for two episodes a day, since there are less than 50 days until the big premiere Feb. 2, 2010!

I'll be giving brief recaps and reviews for each episode from "Pilot" all the way to "The Incident." Along the way, I'll introduce you to the characters who appear, but what's more important will be the "What we learned" section, which keep track of the mythology of the show; "Questions" will delve into the new mysteries introduced (for answers, make sure to read the "What we learned" segments); and "Things that are going to be important in Season Six" ... well, that one kind of explains itself.

So join me on forthe815thtime.blogspot.com for all your LOST rewatch needs - feel free to play along with the comments section, too!

Guess that Hairdo!

Did you miss your Top Pop Stop fix today? While we're on hiatus until January, why not take the Nic Cage Hairstyle Quiz? If you've been paying attention, this should be a breeze...

Zach's Nip/Tuck Procedure - "Benny Nilsson"

Christian’s coping with money issues ($457,000) and “Past Due” bills the only way he knows how – ladies. After hooking up with an IRS agent and finding that his bill won’t go away that easily, Christian has to find an alternative means of raising capital. Sean’s opposed to the idea of taking out risky equity on the business, but Christian reassures him that it’ll be okay – Sean offers an out-of-pocket loan. Nurse Linda comes in with shocking news – Sean’s brother Brendan (long thought dead) has turned up in his office.

Brendan isn’t exactly pleasant looking; he’s got all kinds of meth sores on his face, but he’s got Sean’s voice down pat. Turns out Brendan has been busy with handicrafts like underwater basket weaving (not joking); he wants to go straight and clean himself up, but he needs Sean’s help. Of course Sean wants to give him a help, despite Christian providing the voice of reason. Sean fixes up Brendan and feels good about himself.

Patient of the week Benny Nilsson is here because he wants to look more like his Swedish international banker father. (We did this plotline back in Season One with the Down syndrome boy who wanted to look like the rest of his family, remember?) The day of the Nilsson surgery, Sean announces he wants to bring Brendan home; Christian objects but eventually gives in. Papa Nilsson fears he pushed Benny to the surgery, but Christian reassures him. Knowing Nip/Tuck, this is going to go wrong really fast.

Christian keeps chiding Sean for trying to develop a “Wally and The Beaver” relationship with Brendan, but Sean insists it’s all going to be fine. When Christian’s watch goes missing, Sean refuses to believe that Brendan took it, but Christian vows to kick Brendan out in a week if he doesn’t get a job. The Nilsson surgery went off without a hitch, but something still feels wrong.

Christian finds another meth-head in the apartment, a friend of Brendan’s who’s looking for a bit of nasal repair. But Christian won’t fall for it, saying that his job is to keep Sean in check from being too sympathetic. Brendan tells Christian that he’s not leaving, so Christian throws him out. To Christian’s disapproval, Sean goes through with the new-nose procedure. After taking Benny surfing, Christian finds the kid sobbing hysterically in the restroom; the truth is that Benny’s stepfather has been using him as “entertainment” for his “rich and bored” business friends. Considering Christian’s troubled past with his own depraved stepfather, it’s no surprise that he feels a sense of kinship with Benny. Theme alert: “Real family doesn’t own you. They don’t abuse you... they take care of you.”

“Harvey No-Face” is caught with cocaine, which he claims Brendan provided; Brendan denies it, but Sean can’t believe him (really, who can?). Step-Papa Nilsson congratulates Christian on a job well done, but Christian snaps and roughs him up, extorting him for $400,000. Solid business proposal.

Brendan gives Sean a little statuette he carved – cupped hands. He’s checking out, he says, but Sean’s a total sap and invites him back in. But Christian’s on the phone, pressing charges against Brendan for the stolen goods – which Christian admits he intentionally placed out in the open. Finally Sean starts to come to his senses, and Christian keeps pushing Brendan on what he’s hiding. Brendan gets indignant and tries to storm out, but Sean stops him and looks at what he’s packed. The two tousle like fourth graders, but to everyone’s surprise the bag is devoid of any valuables. “You guys deserve each other,” Brendan says as he leaves in a huff. I think that’s actually the message of this entire series.

Christian offers to give Benny his old face back, but Benny declines. Christian does, however, give Benny the $400,000 he extorted from Step-Papa. He tries to tell Benny that his papa doesn’t love him, but Benny’s not convinced. Back at the homestead, Christian gets contemplative and recalls pawning some of his stuff – Brendan, it turns out, was innocent! But Christian’s not ready to confess just yet, Sean wonders aloud who his real family is, and we learn that Christian also forged Sean’s signature on a loan against the business. Greedy little stinker.

Verdict? Not as entertaining as last week’s episode, mostly because this week took a hard line on Christian’s depravity being a dangerous negative rather than a jesting quirk. I’m interested in Sean’s brother Brendan, mostly because I know we’ll never see him again. Will Christian’s fiscal trickery catch up with him? Do bad people ever get punished on this show? More importantly, is morality an irrelevant concept in the world of Nip/Tuck? Most importantly of all, when the deuce will we find out what happened to Matt??

Zach's Nip/Tuck Procedure - "Lola Wlodkowski"

Cute couple of the week Tracy and Skip wants to be just like Barbie and Ken so that they can dedicate themselves to a life of commitment without the burden of “ownership and exclusivity” that comes with a sexual relationship – so nipple removal is the odd surgery on the docket. After all, Barbie and Ken stayed married for 50 years. I mean, I guess this makes sense – for Nip/Tuck, that is.

Creepy delivery girl gives a box to Sean, but it turns out that she’s a run-of-the-mill strippergram sent by Christian to help Sean get his head in the game. Of course, his 2:00 appointment arrives in the middle of the lap dance, and things go downhill. Nurse Linda gets in her frown-of-the-week., and Christian confesses that she wasn’t a stripper – “she’s a hooker.” Sean bemoans his relationship woes, but Christian’s his classic nonchalant self, even when Kimber asks if she’s gained weight.

Liz brings her chubby friend Lola Wlodkowski to the office; turns out she and Lola met up at a nudist colony, and Liz got concerned about Lola’s moles. Christian turns it into a discussion about additional liposuction, Liz gets offended, but Lola declines the offer, instead inviting Christian to the nudist colony. Ten to one he hops into bed with her.

Via a cute montage set to the tango music I love on this show, Sean starts to learn from his patient that life isn’t all about sex, while Lola keeps trying to seduce Christian, who admits that he’s only interested in shallow and superficial girls. Cut to a shot of Christian having sex with Lola; apparently he’s never heard of medical ethics or conflicts of interest. The surgery goes through, and Christian realizes that his superficiality didn’t get to Lola. Liz lets him know that Kimber is expecting a “monogamous Ken and Barbie sunset.”

After Christian confesses the Lola affair to Kimber, she says she’s going to let herself go; Christian has a vision of what fat Kimber would be like, and he’s certainly not pleased. While operating on Surgical Patient Tracy, Sean has a less than ideal black-and-white vision of a TV Land version of what a sexless life would be like – sleeping in separate beds like Lucy and Desi, and all that. Christian tells Lola that, despite their indiscretion, he’s happy being shallow, but Lola admits that sometimes she’s not always happy being herself. She asks what kind of surgeries she’d need.

Sean and Tracy have a heart-to-heart in which Sean accuses Tracy of denying intimacy in order to make life easy. Tracy lunges in for a kiss. Here’s a thought – a Nip/Tuck drinking game: take a shot every time one of the doctors does something unethical. And Liz accuses Christian of breaking Lola’s will and walks out of the surgical suite just as several fat men walk into the office – totally starkers – to rescue Lola from losing her identity.

Lola’s biopsy comes back positive for skin cancer, but Christian tells her that she can come back – “I did.” Lola plasters a smile on and jokes about losing weight from the chemo, but Christian gets serious and tells her not to have self-esteem problems. Meanwhile, Kimber’s busy being bulimic, which Christian finds “pathetic.” Indignant, Christian tells her he won’t stand for it, but Kimber confesses she hates herself almost as much as Christian hates her, which “feels right.” The most dysfunctional couple on television, it turns out, hate themselves and each other; is it too much to hope for a happy ending for these two?

Sean makes nice with his previous 2:00, but Skip drops by to say that he’s actually happy with the whole Sean/Tracy affair – since it helped him admit that he’s gay. He introduces his boyfriend G.I. Joe (I’m not joking, folks). Sean brings a date (the strippergram) back to his place, only to find Kimber and Tracy strutting around in their knickers; to no surprise, Christian is responsible for all of this – “two Barbies are better than one.” Another normal day in the life of Nip/Tuck.

Verdict? A pretty solid episode this week, thanks in part to some strong characterization between Sean and Christian. What I love about these two is they’re not as different as they pretend they are, and it’s episodes like this that really bring that out. Juggling quirky humor with personal drama successfully, this episode was a nice change of pace from the Matt drama the past few weeks, although I confess that handling cliffhangers like the one from “Alexis Stone II” aren’t Nip/Tuck’s strong suit (nary a mention of Matt this week). As we wind down the series, it’s feeling like Nip/Tuck is going to finish strong.

Zach's Gleecap - Sectionals

Mid-season finale, folks, and we made it all the way to sectionals. With emotions high, let’s hope that the talent is higher.

Suspicions mount that something may be up with Quinn and Puck. Rachel claims she’s slightly psychic about all this, but everyone seems to know except for Rachel. The team agrees not to say anything to Finn until after sectionals.

Emma’s pushed her wedding back “so it doesn’t happen in broad daylight” – now she can be the glee club advisor for sectionals, but Ken doesn’t seem to understand. Sparks fly between Will & Emma. Rachel sows some seeds of doubt in Quinn’s mind, and Will introduces the club to their new sponsor. Mercedes sings that Jennifer Hudson song, and everyone but Rachel is thrilled (seems like this episode should have been titled “Everyone But Rachel”). But Rachel doesn’t play the bitch card, and she lets Mercedes do the number.

Finn voices concern about the end of the approaching end of the season, and Rachel suddenly spills the beans on what we can only assume is the whole baby drama – we’ll have to wait until after the commercial break to find out. When we get back, Finn’s roughing up Puck, demanding the truth. Continuing the show’s streak of men yelling at women who are lying about pregnancy, Finn rages, Quinn cries, and Finn quits. Rachel feels awkward and tries to apologize to Quinn, telling her that she wanted to be with Finn, but Quinn reminds her that “now neither one of us can have him.” Puck pops in and says he’ll be there, but Quinn says he’s too stressful and declares she “want[s] to do this alone.”

It turns out they got that wheelchair-capable bus, and they’re replacing Finn with Creepy Jewish Jacob the Reporter, who no one really wants to sing. The bus leaves without Will or Finn. The positive mojo at the convention center crashes and burns when the juvie school does all of New Directions’ numbers. Will confronts Sue on the leaked set list, and she gloats over the imminent fall of the glee club, reminding us why she’s one of the best villain on television. “Bring it on, William.”

Will pays Finn a visit, and all that investment in character the show’s been doing starts to pay off. Will tells Finn that “you can’t always get what you want” – I think I know what song they’re going to do… Suspiciously, Will leaves his keys with Finn. Meanwhile, Emma corners the advisors for the other glee clubs, but no one’s ashamed of what they did – even accusing Emma of “deaf racism.” In the green room, Brittany confesses she leaked the set list to Sue, but we’re more upset about what’s going to happen when New Directions takes the stage. Rejecting Artie’s proposition for some “def poetry jams,” Rachel gets voted to sing the ballad, while Quinn puts up “Somebody to Love.” Finn arrives just in time, giving the kids a new song and saying, “We’re best when we’re loose.” (Is that a crack at Quinn?) Realizing that he’s not going to get into Rachel’s pants, Jacob relinquishes his spot back to Finn.

Rachel lets loose with the appropriate-if-unsubtle “Don’t Rain on My Parade,” and Will – who must have the greatest reception in the world – listens via cell phone to the knockout improv’d performance. Is anyone clear on the rules of glee performance? As awesome as Rachel might be, just how many solo numbers is a club allowed? And how many spare wardrobes does the average club bring? – New Directions seems to have 15. When they start belting out “You Can’t Always Get What You Want,” The Rolling Stones never sounded so whitebread, but the performance is pitch-perfect as always. Quick cuts into the audience let us know that the other schools’ coaches are miffed: the audience are on their feet, and for good reason.

The judges deliberate, but none of them really seems to know what they’re doing: a Miss Ohio runner-up, news anchor Rod Remington, and a “state paid cynic” can’t seem to agree on anything. Just as the JD coach wants to come clean, Rod Remington emerges from the deliberation room with Miss Ohio’s e-mail address and a selected winner.

Will and Terri have an awkward moment in which Will says he’s going to the Kenma (Ken and Emma) wedding while Terri confesses she’s seeing a therapist. But Will can’t come around so quickly and leaves for the wedding. But the reception isn’t great news – Ken dumps Emma after she goes to sectionals, and Emma confesses she did it all for Will. Worse, Emma’s resigning because it’s going to be too awkward. But Will stops her, probably because he’s dying to know who won sectionals.

Instead of insisting (as always) that “my hands are tied,” Figgins calls Will and Sue for a meeting, revealing that “There’s an orgy of evidence” against Sue for selling the set list to the other schools. Figgins removes Sue from coaching Cheerios for besmirching the name of William McKinley – “the greatest president who ever lived.” The triumph is short-lived when Sue vows to return “hell-bent on [Will’s] destruction… destination Horror.”

Finn shows Will the trophy – they won! But it’s not over; there are regionals to go through, but first New Directions has a special number to perform for Will: something about belonging together and sticking together and togetherness unheard of since High School Musical 3. Will charges after Emma, but is it too late? Of course not – it’s the happy ending we’ve all been waiting for.

Verdict? This episode made it terribly obvious that the show was only intended to be a thirteen-episode miniseries. This might be one of the most satisfying finales I’ve seen in my life, even if nothing too unpredictable happened. With every plotline wrapped up, the show’s ready to head in some new directions (pun intended).

I’m curious where the show goes next, though. I mean, obviously regionals are the next step, but how many of our favorites are coming back? There doesn’t seem to be a place for Ken, Terri, or (worst of all) Sue. Is the Finnchel (Finn/Rachel) romance inevitable? How much longer will Quinn keep doing things her own way without anyone’s help? (More importantly, where’s she going to stay?) I’m eager for the return of “Glee” in April, but I’m ultra curious about how it’s going to sustain itself.

If nothing else, Brittany the educationally underprivileged cheerleader stole the show.

Mysteries of Lost - Desmond

Previously on LOST: After managing to escape the Island and the Hatch where he had lived for years, Desmond reconnected with Penny, had a son named Charlie, and was suddenly attacked by Ben, who wanted revenge on Widmore. Desmond had been told by Ms. Hawking (Dan's mother) that "The Island is not done with you."

One of these things is not like the other: Ben, Desmond, Penny, Mrs. Hawking. Lilia guessed Ben and won a ballpoint pen for her troubles - Ben's the only one still on the island.

We're so not sure what to make of Desmond. Perhaps he'll be stranded on the island if the bomb makes it so that Flight 815 never crashes, but Lilia thinks that maybe Desmond might become the new Jacob - the voice of the island - since he always does what he's told.

Don't forget that LOST returns Tuesday, Feb. 2, at 8:00 p.m. on ABC!

Oscar Contenders?

Now that the Oscars are putting 10 pictures up for Best Picture, Moviefone has a few predictions for who will be leading the field.

Visit http://www.moviefone.com/oscars-academy-awards/features/oscar-predictions for all the details. Do you agree? Let us know!

How'd It Get Burned This Week - Dec. 7, 2009

More good news piling in for Nic this week!

IO9 has your first official look at Nic in Jerry Bruckheimer's "The Sorcerer's Apprentice." Wow... I thought his hair was bad before.

While we're talking about Bruckheimer, IESB asked him point-blank - why do you work with Nic Cage? His answer - "I think Nicolas Cage is great because he's such a good actor and he's such a good guy. He's very creative. You always want a partner who makes you look better - and he makes me look good." Click the link for the full interview, which includes details about the future of the National Treasure franchise.

In "how is this real life" news, Waleg.com reports that the UN has named Nic Cage "Global Citizen of the Year." In addition to being a goodwill ambassador for the UN's Office on Drug and Crime, Nic was adopted by Angelina Jolie, another great citizen of the world.

And Entertainment Weekly continues the controversial analysis of Nic's hair by asking "Does it wear him?" Best prose ever: "To me, it’s no coincidence that Cage, after the triumph of Leaving Las Vegas, began to star in dumb-whore action films at the same moment that he first sported his sleekly flowing, industrial-strength “cool” hair." Click the link for the full fantastic hysterical article.

Weekend Watch - Dec. 11, 2009

This weekend, Disney makes money and Morgan Freeman phones in an Oscar performance.

The Princess and the Frog - Disney reworks "The Frog Princess" into a story about New Orleans. This is Disney's first African-American princess in their canon, and despite a few minorly offensive stereotypes in the trailer, Oprah Winfrey's on board. Look out, Twilight - Disney's gonna make a buttload of money this week.

Invictus - Clint Eastwood. Morgan Freeman plays Nelson Mandela. Can we just give them Oscars already?

The Lovely Bones - Peter Jackson directs the book adaptation about a girl in heaven looking down on the aftermath of a grisly murder - her own. Oscar contender, for sure.

And rumor has it that Me & Orson Welles, starring Zac Efron (swoon away, ladies), may be opening wide this week. Will we at Valpo be among the lucky? We'll see...

Tops at the Box Office - Weekend of Dec. 4, 2009

1. The Blind Side
2. The Twilight Saga: New Moon
3. Brothers (first weekend)
4. A Christmas Carol
5. Old Dogs
6. Armored (first weekend)
7. 2012
8. Ninja Assassin
9. Planet 51
10. Everybody's Fine (first weekend)
    

Heroes Headlines: Hope!

It's alliteration station over here at The Top Pop Stop - Heroes Spoilers (don't worry; no actual spoilers on the link) is reporting that Season Five might actually be happening, albeit without Nathan (no surprise after last week's episode) or Mohinder (is he even still on this show?).

Check out the link for the full story - it'll tide you over until Heroes returns in January!

Zach's Heroes Watch - "The Fifth Stage"

Previously on Heroes: Noah might be dating his old partner, Nylar – now Sylar – isn’t quite so dead, Claire and Gretchen go on the strangest road trip ever, while Samuel’s about to get all evil up in this show.

Lydia tells Samuel that she won’t spill the beans on him, and Samuel muses about hope and extinction. With Edgar gone, Samuel hires Eli the Multiple Man to be his right-hand man and take out Noah. Noah’s been trying to piece together all this business about Samuel and the compass, but he’s put on hold when Lauren drops by to pick him up for their movie night – which it turns out is actually a date. She’s intrigued by his bulletin board of super stuff, but Noah frets over the lost compass and tracks Claire with Lauren’s help. You can do that with Google Maps? Noah reveals that he’s been after the carnival for years, and Lauren gets to give the “Lying is how we live” speech that characters on this show give about every other episode.

Emotional moment: Noah bums us all out with a speech about how he’s driven everyone away, referencing the mindwipe flashback a few episodes ago. Lauren feels conflicted about this, and Multiple Man shows up. Noah uses every gun he’s ever hidden in the apartment, but Multiple Man disappears with the Primatech box of files. Noah’s pissed like Liam Neeson in Taken.

Claire and Gretchen have made their way to the carnival, the “freak show” Claire’s always felt she belonged to. Gretchen gets all cutesy about Claire being her guardian and tells Claire that she has to check out her options. Samuel’s pleased she’s visited, though, and tells her not to be scared, giving her free tickets. Samuel says he’s trying to find a more permanent way to live. He gives the girls some popcorn and tells them to explore the carnival and meet the family.

Lydia gets naked (which seems to be her superpower at this point), Gretchen gets excited, and Claire gets her fortune told – it’s all ambiguous and maybe she’s meant to be here. Claire thinks she might have a great time at the carnival as “the girl who gets sawed in half every night,” which might actually be a fun job. Somehow Samuel knows that the ladies are out of popcorn and invites them backstage for storytime with the kids. Gretchen voices concern about exploiting abilities, but Claire’s cool with it; she’s even cool with Doyle the Puppetman showing up and giving her a big hug.

After a little tiff with Overprotective Gretchen, Claire gets drafted for storytime and tells a sentimental “Once upon a time” about a frog who’s a thinly veiled version of herself. Samuel tells Gretchen that all his carnival wants to give Claire is love. Claire’s frog story ends “happily ever after,” and one of the carny kids gives Claire a hug; “they love you,” Samuel says, but when a disgruntled customer storms backstage and attacks Samuel, Claire steps in for the rescue. Samuel smiles maliciously, almost as if he planned all this.

Samuel says that life is about choices, telling Claire that he could have defended himself but didn’t want to harm the outside world. He tells her that “we can be more... we can be bigger” if they just band together and help each other, inviting her to stay for a few days and do some soul-searching. Claire tells Gretchen that she’s going to do just that; surprisingly, Gretchen understands the whole “being accepted” thing. Samuel promises Lydia he’s going to make things right, strangely suggesting that it’s not Claire he’s after. Meanwhile, the disgruntled customer is dead.

Angela visits Peter and tells him to get into the “acceptance” stage of grief. But Peter insists that Nathan’s not quite dead, and he borrows The Haitian’s power (I’m still not going to call him Rene) in order to “settle for revenge” with Sylar. Little does Peter know that Sylar’s in disguise, attacking him in the elevator and picking a fight in the basement of the hospital. Little does Sylar know that his powers don’t work right now. Actual fisticuffs ensue until Peter reaches for the nail gun, but Sylar just keeps laughing.

Peter tries erasing Sylar’s memories from the Nylar thing in front of him, and Nathan emerges, which makes the whole nail gun thing really awkward. Now-Nathan says he’s tired, and he doesn’t think he can handle Sylar much longer. Peter tells him he needs air and takes him to the roof, where they reminisce about Season One and about denial. Nathan says he can’t keep fighting Sylar and throws himself off the roof – the second time someone’s tried to kill Sylar by killing himself. Peter gets all weepy, but at the last second, Sylar gets up and walks away. Blast, it was all a trick!

Samuel gets the closing monologue – “How long can we live like this?” he asks, saying that they need to stop running and offer a home to people with abilities. At Joseph’s grave, Samuel says that he’s going to take up roots once he’s gathered the rest of the heroes. Is he so evil after all?

Verdict? I remember being a bit hesitant about the idea of the carnival, and I may have even called it a hokey plot device, but I’m glad that Heroes is proving me wrong (probably the only time I’ve ever said that about this show). I continue to be in love with Robert Knepper, who’s still keeping me guessing on Samuel. Part of that is to his credit, but part of the credit has to go to the writers; this is the mark of a good villain, that we keep empathizing with him and wanting him to do the right thing for the right reasons. My sole disappointment is that we only got a sneak peek at what Hiro’s up to; the “Beam me up, Scotty!” cliffhanger has left me guessing.

Zach's Gleecap - "Mattress"

With the 50th yearbook coming out and the Emma/Ken wedding a week away, Will realizes there’s a scheduling conflict with the wedding overlapping sectionals. Ken’s trying to slim down, Emma feels bad about missing sectionals, and Sue’s gone in for a little eyelift and tear-duct removal. She’s gone even more diabolical and gotten the glee club eliminated from the yearbook, maintaining her superiority complex and repeatedly doubting that the club can take sectionals.

With the threat of swirlies and “patriotic wedgies” looming over their heads, Kurt convinces the glee club that a yearbook entry would do more harm than good, but Will vows to fight for a photo in spite of The Principal’s insistence that he’s “doing them a solid.” Figgins compromises – for $1,000. Rachel’s cheery because she’s trying to get in as many yearbook photos as possible so as to better prepare for a life of being stalked by the paparazzi, but Quinn is upset that she’s losing her identity and decides to sneak into the Cheerios yearbook photo.

Will wants to buy out Figgins; his fake-pregnant wife disagrees, but Will goes ahead with it. Rachel invents a new club, the GayLesbAl (“Gay Lesbian Alliance”) in order to become the most involved student on campus; Kurt scoffs, and Rachel dreams of winning the vote for “Team Captain” to appear in the two-person photo. Rachel wins the vote singlehandedly, mostly because the kids don’t want to get vandalized. Will’s worried about this and about his fear that Ken scheduled the wedding over sectionals on purpose. But Emma says she’s in love with Ken, despite his “74 flaws as of yesterday.” Continuing Glee’s reign of hyperbole, new captain Rachel has 65 proposals and gets talked into recruiting a co-captain: Finn.

To get ready for the photo, Rachel serenades Finn with “Smile,” making me wonder who the piano player is and why he’s kind of creepy. The song gets a little too flirty, but when Finn finds out that he’s about to become the target of yearbook vandalization, he backs out and leaves Rachel on her own. It turns out to be serendipitous, because the cameraman is shooting a mattress commercial and Rachel can cry on demand. “Except for nudity and the exploitation of animals, I’ll do anything to break into the business!” The glee club is surprisingly ecstatic, mostly because they’re going to be stars and “nobody defaces pictures of celebrities.”

“Mattresses aren’t just for sleeping and fornicating anymore,” says the mattress man, who’s receptive to the idea of a singing commercial. There’s no way that they can sing so well while performing all these mattress acrobatics, but we’ll suspend disbelief, just hum along, and giggle at how Quinn is on a mattress with Kurt – a match made only in Mattress Land. But get ready for Glee to rock your socks off – Will finds the pregnancy padding Terri’s been wearing and confronts her about it. There’s an intense O’Neill-esque battle of the wills in the kitchen in which all is confessed. This pregnancy plot has been funny all season, but the laughter dies when Will walks out.

Luckily the glee room is filled with comped mattresses. In Sue’s Corner, Sue wants a holiday forcing “fatties and uglies” to stay indoors the Friday after Christmas, but she’s miffed when she sees the commercial. “Sue is right – the glee club has indeed stepped in it,” Figgins groans, because glee club contestants aren’t allowed to participate in professional activity. When Will admits that he’s thinking of leaving Terri, it’s not enough to change Figgins’s mind. “It’s over!” Sue calls.

“VICTORY,” Sue writes in her diary, but Quinn rains on her parade when she extorts Sue for a spot on the squad and in the yearbook photo – and for a glee club page. Emma tells Will he needs to sort out his own life before he solves glee’s problems, confessing that she understands where Terri was coming from. Since he slept on the mattress, Will is forced out of coaching glee, and he tells the kids to go take their picture – cue Charlie Chaplin’s “Smile,” telling us that maybe everything’s going to turn out all right.

Verdict? Glee’s darkest hour. With only one more week left in this half-season, it’s difficult to see how this is all going to turn out okay in the end, but at least some of the biggest secrets are coming out. While this episode didn’t quite live up to the hype that some of my friends who (to paraphrase Bill O’Reilly) watched it live, “Mattress” was still pretty intense. But, with the exception of Sue’s scenes, it didn’t quite feel like an episode of Glee. Perhaps next week – Glee’s curtain call until April – will see a return to form such as we know and love.