Zach's Gleecap: "Wheels"

It’s been so long since I did a Gleecap, I almost don’t remember how. Oh, well – let’s give it a shot.

Quinn’s still in regular clothes, weirdly watching the Cheerios practice. It helps take her mind off of how much money the baby’s going to cost; what’s even quirkier is that she hasn’t even told her parents yet. Meanwhile, Jewish journalist Jacob (still smarmy as always) interviews Sue about the Quinn controversy while Will confronts Principal about money for a special wheelchair-compatible bus.

Glee is returning to the airwaves while being extra sympathetic toward Artie and his handicap, so not only do we get plenty of attention to people being selfish and not taking his wheelchair into account, but Artie gets his own solo (“Dancing with Myself”), during which we continue to get hints that a Wheels/Asian romance might not be out of the question.

Tensions brew when Kurt volunteers to compete with Rachel for the lead in their new number. But Will wants to remind us that we’re all in this together, so he forces all the Glee kids to spend time in a wheelchair, as well as do a wheelchair-themed number and – worst of all – host a bake sale. Between facefuls of pasta and baseball bats to the head, Wheelchair Week isn’t looking well for the kids, but Quinn and Puck get cozy in home ec, even though Quinn vows to swear up and down that Finn’s the father while creaking eggs on Puck’s mohawk. Food fight ensues, and things get sticky when Finn shows up.

Kurt’s sort-of-tolerant (“I hope it’s not a guy, because I’m not ready for that conversation”) father encourages him to cross-over and try for the lead anyway despite being “queer as a three-dollar bill.” So Will consents to an audition – “it’s on.” Between moments of hilariously uncoordinated wheelchair navigation, Kurt’s dramatic cross-legged pose, and Brittany’s confusion of right and left, things are heating up for a diva-off.

Sue hates wheelchair ramps, but Principal wants Sue to hold open auditions for Cheerios to open up diversity. With cupcake sales down, Quinn and Finn start feuding again. Auditions for Cheerios go horribly awry, with no clear contestant better than anyone else; Sue admits disabled Becky, even though her jump rope skills leave a lot to be desired. And a wheelchair fight breaks out when Puck accuses Finn of not doing enough to take care of his baby-to-be.

The disastrously uncoordinated wheelchair antics continue as Artie encourages us to “just go for it.” Artie also delivers a sensitive backstory that involves a car crash that deprived him of the use of his legs, but the moment gets lightened when Artie reassures us that he’s still sexually capable. But Kurt’s moment of high-note ecstasy is wrecked when his dad gets an anonymous crank call. And Rachel gets an idea for how to help Finn out of his fiscal failings while Puck’s new cupcakes with a special recipe are suspiciously selling like hotcakes – thanks to a special ingredient (marijuana) supplied by Sandy.

Sue drops all kinds of hilarious innuendoes – suggesting both that she auditioned for “Baywatch” and served as a sniper spotter in the Falkland Islands – while growing frustrated with Becky’s inability to jump rope. The diva-off gets started, but what’s terrifying for the voters is how similar Kurt and Rachel’s voices are. But at least it’s not blatantly obvious who’s going to win, at least not until Kurt purposely blows the High F (which his dad thought was a “Kool Aid or a Hi-C”).

Puck keeps putting money into Quinn’s hands to prove he’s not a deadbeat, but Quinn knows the money came from the cupcake fund. Meanwhile Finn reveals Rachel’s mystery plan: coerce companies into hiring Finn by threatening a civil liberties suit if they discriminate against him. We also learn that Sue’s got a disabled sister in a nursing home and that Tina has been faking her stutter (which upsets Artie).

The wheelchair number turns out to be “Proud Mary” – which fits perfectly with all this rolling imagery in the episode. The number is a huge success, and everybody loves everybody.

Verdict? We’ve said that “Glee” has two kinds of episodes: funny episodes and character episodes. “Wheels” was definitely one of the latter, with not a lot of funny moments but plenty of material to give the characters more of a heartbeat. While this wasn’t Glee’s best effort (which may account for my admittedly lifeless commentary this week), at least this wasn’t a cheesy “yay diversity” episode like it could have been.